Kitten City

The Dream. I’m in the backseat of a car that my stepsister is driving (I do not have a stepsister in real life). My mom is in the passenger seat, and my stepdad is sitting quietly next to me. To note, my mom is not remarried, and I do not have a stepdad either. My mom casually tells me that she has let my sweet pet kitten go or escape. She tells me this in very cold and uncaring way. I couldn’t understand why she did this (forced my kitten out and in such a way). My mom knows how much I love this kitten and how I took her under my care. I do not know if my kitten is okay, I just know that she is gone now. I’m crying and begging for answers and my mom starts to get angry and firm in her answers that “what’s done is done, move on, and stop being emotional and reacting the way I am.” The stepsister is driving and defending my mom and psychoanalyzing me saying something like “Nothing wrong happened. You’re being a control freak.” I explicitly remember the “You’re being a control freak” statement. I’m in so much pain trying to understand what’s happening and begging for support and solace. I express my discontent about being labeled a “control freak”, and that I just love my kitten and want her to be safe and loved. I just want her to be okay. The dream immediately switches me to a dark, drab city, in the middle of the night. I’m broken and by myself. It is not safe, but I wander around, scared, lost, and with nothing to my name but the rags I’m wearing. A younger woman is behind me walking in my direction, not following me. The woman is walking to her tiny apartment near where I am wandering. I look back at her, and she smiles softly at me before walking into her building. I make an assessment that she is settled here in her state of affairs. It’s dark and lonely outside. I see a restaurant with a bright pink neon light. This café/bar is open, so I go inside. It’s not completely dead. There’s a gruffy male worker there and a few other bodies with one thing in common, we are all lonely. They are all quiet and minding their own. The gruffy looking worker offers me food without an expectation of payment knowing I have nothing. He was generous in his action but not overly kind or warm. Just more matter of fact in his movements. He is understanding. I graciously take the free bread and soup. I ask if anyone knows where I can find work. Another gruffy man a few seats next to me at another bar table says something like “there’s a data entry job, but it doesn’t pay much.” I accept it. He nods and says he expects to see me tomorrow before pushing his chair back in at the bar table and leaving. I sat there by myself for a moment after this interaction, numb but with a few thoughts. I’ve now secured a position for some money, maybe I can live at the apartment that the woman lives in (I had a feeling they’d have space for me there)? And maybe I can work here, at this place, for extra money? I can already see it in my mind, a settled state. As I left this late-night diner, I walk down the streets to look for a place to sleep for the night. The streets are dark, and every light is out. I became overwhelmed again with sadness and I’m sobbing while looking down at all that I own. My mind again went to place that saw this as momentary.

Dream Symbols + Meaning (to me)

1. Car = transport, phases, transformation

2. Kitten = innocence, love, vulnerability

3. Bar/Cafe = choices, trade, network

4. Bread & Soup = nourishment, healing

5. Job/Work = stability, reliability, support

6. Dark Streets/Inner City = pathways, transformation

7. Pink Neon Lights = compassion, nurturing, optimism, opportunity

Themes

1. Mom. Strong emotional ties to mom and emotional challenges.

2. Stepfamily. Helplessness, no support from caregivers. Disallowance of self-expression or true feelings.

3. Car. Not being in control (I’m in the backseat).

4. Dark, Lonely City. No happiness, or lightheartedness. Anguish, pain, sadness, but potential for growth. Feelings of terror, loss, and abandonment.

5. Job Opportunity. Support and hand from least expecting place. They accept my loneliness and humility. Feeling empty but I still have life to live and create from, even in the darkness.

My Interpretation. A transition into toughness through cruelty. This dream makes me think of the harshness that life gives sometimes for growth. There are times when growth and experience can feel comforting, warm, and supportive and other times when it feels cruel, unsupportive, and cold. Support can come from the least expected places, and people. I can choose to grow from either. Not easy to grow from a vulnerable place (internal or external), but it’s doable, and maybe even necessary.

It seems like the 2^nd half of this dream, when I went from the car to the streets split me into the experience of the abandoned kitten. When I am no longer a passenger in the car, I am now the kitten, alone and lost in world much bigger than me.